Jumping over the moon: My journey as a fatass ugly duckling

Living in Los Angeles and going to school in North Hollywood has definitely made me a bit self conscious about the way I look at myself. I mean, it's hard to ignore yourself when you're constantly surrounded by glamorous people right? Even my own friends are gorgeous and can fit right in with the Hollywood fabulous bodies. Which leaves me to feel like shit that I can never be that pretty or that thin without surgery or something. 

Now, I know that this is going to sound like another pity story about self image and women, but it's really more than that. This is more like--my journey and how I cope with it. 

If you look at the above images again you'll see the typical Hollywood face. Flawless faces, beautiful eyes, blonde hair, perfect body, and in Bom's case, the perfect legs. *___* And sometimes you just have to ask yourself or anyone else; what's it all worth really? 

What is all this beauty and fitness really worth? Potential love? Potential friends? Feeling secure and wanted? Or is it really just the self satisfaction one gets from looking 'good'? Whatever the reasons are, most of us don't put on make-up and buy expensive clothes just because we're trying to satisfy ourselves. A lot of times we can tell yourselves that but you know it's not true. Because if you were the only person left on this earth, would you spend all your money on your clothes and make-up? Doubt it. There is no one to look at you. There is no one to share your fashion or beauty with. In other words, we doll up to make an appearance for others to see and judge us accordingly. 

I have never been thin in my entire life. I was a fat baby (a cute baby but fat) and I was a borderline obese kid in middle school-high school. I was never liked by any guys. I was made fun of for being fat and being Asian since I lived in a dominantly white neighborhood in Virginia. I started getting a bit more popular in high school but it was mainly from mutual friends and meeting new people and partying. I realized then that I can't win people over with my looks but I can win people over with my humor. So all my life, I tried to be the funny person. The clown. 

Are you ready for this? 

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Yeah. This is me in 10th grade. I'm totally serious. And yes, I am wearing that green shirt inside out. I also started cutting my hair around this time and had no idea what I was doing. There was nothing fab about this photo or about me in general back then.

I've come a long way since then. LOL. But to be honest, it's not like I shed 100lbs or anything. I lost a little bit of weight but not even that much since then. Weight wise I think I'm around the same maybe 10 or 15lbs thinner. But it was my face that changed and the way that I styled myself. I think with age, most people get better looking in general. I was definitely in my awkward teenage phase around this time. 

Needless to say, most teenagers are not very fashion forward. Most teenagers and pre-teens do not know how to do make-up. And back then, there was no Michelle Phan or make-up guru we could easily turn to on youtube. We had to figure out shit by ourselves or watch our moms do it. And back then, I didn't even wear make-up because it was too complicated. It just amazes me at how much I have learned over these last few years. But what amazes me more is how I survived in a world where I'm surrounded constantly by beautiful and thin friends. I sometimes wonder to myself even now, are they my friends because they are genuine? Or do they just want me as the 'fugly' friend that makes them look 100x's better. 

I got into a fight with my close friend a while back and I retorted at her, "You probably just want to hang out with me because you're pretty and thin! I probably just make you feel better!!" And she like, broke down and cried. LOL I thought at first it was because she was guilty of it but then she was like, "How could you think that way about me?" And I know that isn't the case but she's so fucking pretty and thin sometimes I wonder why she wants to hang out with me all the time. She has tons of friends. So why me? You know....kinda suspicious if you ask me. And she's like WHITE BLONDE LA girl. Okay. What do you want from me gurl!
And mind you this all happened less than 6 months ago. And you're probably thinking, "Okay retard. You're not even that bad...." 

I hate taking body shots. Which is why
there are rarely any photos of me full body.

You have to understand though, that being over weight all my life and not feeling that beautiful has forever scarred me a bit. I am always humble about the way I look because I can't stand to call myself pretty. Yeah I think sometimes I look prettier than usual with good make-up and even sometimes when I'm STARVING I look skinnier than usual but for the most part, that image of my insecurity has always gotten to me. And it's never going to go away because I'm never going to look the way I want without surgery or losing 100lbs. And I would never do surgery, not because I think it's wrong, but because I'm a wuss. LOL. 

Anyway, so beauty is a very subjective topic so it's hard to really judge anything based on what our perception of 'beauty' really is, but it's always been a pretty touchy thing for me. And I can't take compliments about my looks AT ALL. Hella awkward. To this day, when Patrick says I look pretty or whatever, I'm like...."DUH FUK ARE YOU ON."

The problem with me is that diets have never worked for me. EVER. I just love food too much and I lack self control. But let me just tell you, I am not one of those fat girls who claim, "I eat just normal! Skinny bitches eat worse than I do! It's not my fault they were born with skinny genes!" And sometimes you know what, I sympathize with them because people actually do have different body types based off genetics. You hear that fat haters? SOME GIRLS ARE FAT BECAUSE THEY ARE GENETICALLY FAT LIKE THEIR MOM OR DAD. It's true. Okay, so maybe you can help yourself be skinny as you get older and get out of that stereotype but STILL. Some girls were literally born thin and grew up thin like their moms and dads so you know what....I'm not even going to go there. Just STFU about your fat facts. I hate when I read bloggers talking about, "WAH....GENETICS IS NOT AN EXCUSE. YOURE FAT BECAUSE YOURE LAZY AND EAT TOO MUCH." Like, I seriously want to smack every dumb bitch who claims this. Do you even know anything about fat and genetics? You realize that your childhood, how your parents fed you as an infant, how you grew up, these things all factor in. If you're a fat kid at age 10, that's your parents fault honestly. And  no 10yr old is going to make her or himself go on a diet. So yeah. Really dumb for you guys to say shit like that. Genetics and background totally matter. Don't be ignorant. That is all. 

But yes, I am not one of those girls claiming it's genetics though. My parents were actually pretty thin. My dad was like 6ft tall and pretty fit most of this life. My mom is 5'4 and she's also been pretty physically normal. Both my brother and I are on the 'hefty' side and have been relatively most of our lives. And I hate to say this but my mom is primarily to blame for this for seriously OVER FEEDING us as kids. I'm not mad though. Every single over fed meal was delicious. I'm fat because I eat like a horse. I seriously do. Grade A fatassery starts RIGHT HERE. 

And I'm not one of those people who CLAIM they eat ALOT because they can eat an entire hamburger with fries and maybe dessert too. I mean like, I used to eat 3 McChickens and shit. 1 was never enough. I'm not exaggerating about any of this. If you're really weak-minded about gross fatty shit, then you might not want to read this. I would eat like buckets of fries and double cheeseburgers at like 12am. I would order a large stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut and eat the entire thing by myself. IN ONE SITTING. WHILE WATCHING FRINGE.....I'm not really sure how I survived. I was almost sure I had diabetes. lol. But I don't.....somehow. 

To be honest, senior year and first year of college, I was at my lowest weight as an adult which was like 140lbs. And I'm 5'7 so I was like tall and somewhat thin. 140lbs may seem like a lot still, but I was pretty 'toned'. I was a lot more active back then and I picked up dancing so I was like 'fit' and had muscle. Now not so much.......

I knew the first thing I had to change was the way I ate. I'm not even sure how I was that thin when I ate THAT MUCH. I pretty much concluded I must have hyper metabolism because I'd eat like my mouth was a black hole. In fact, a lot of times I would get that comment from people like, "Where the F does all that food go?!" And honestly, I had no clue. I think I pooped really well then. WHO KNOWS. All I know is that since then, my metabolism has dropped significantly and I gain really easily. I blame it on age. 

So now since I'm much older, I try to be food conscious a little bit. (Says the girl who just ate like 3 days worth of french fries over the weekend....) I feel like healthy food is delicious now and that I can live without greasy hamburjers. Yes, burjers. (I used to think it was pronounced like that. /derp)
But it's STILL so hard to diet. I just fucking HATE limiting myself to think. I HATE IT. I know...no self control. BITE ME. No really....I'm trying hard to not succumb to food but cmon, food is like the single greatest thing in life. Unless it bites you in the ass and gives you food poisoning in which case will make you probably hate food for a little while. I got food poisoning in the summer for a week. I dropped 10lbs in 3 days. I also thought I was going to die. Yeah, and even though that happened I still eat and eat and eat. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME. 

I am not at the liberty of stating my current weight (mainly because I have no fucking clue) but I got rid of my scale. I think my scale makes me depressed so I only weigh myself if I have to at the doctors or if I get curious at the mall bathrooms where they have that 25cent weight thing. But being thin just seems like it will never be in reach and quite frankly, I just don't care anymore. When I found out that I had really good blood pressure, stable, normal, no diabetes, no high cholesterol, I felt like, you know what, if I'm healthy I should be happy and that's that. My last doctor's visit told me that I was 'over weight' and my doctor is Korean so I was kinda like....he's going to think I'm like morbidly obese in Asian terms. But he just kinda laughed and was like, "You just need to be more active. Eat healthy. Your weight will drop easily. But beyond that, you are a healthy girl." And that made me feel really good about myself. So what if I'm "over weight"? Now at least I know that it has nothing to do with being healthy. If I lose weight, it will be for vanity reasons. And that's most of us. 

So I will ask this again, what's it all worth? 

I have a boyfriend. He loves me whether I'm fat or thin. He loves me for me. My friends are my friends for me not my looks. So why does it matter? Because I want to feel pretty. I want to look pretty and have clothes fit me nicely. And that's that. The greatest challenge of loving your image is convincing yourself that if you don't lose weight, you won't LOSE anything either. If your life is fine the way it is, you're not going to lose anything if you stay fat or over-weight unless you are unhealthy. It took a lot for me to convince myself that vanity isn't everything and people claim that being a beautiful looking person will get you more things in life, but again, it's all for vain reasons. Blind people do not base anything off of their own looks or anyone elses because they can't see it. Even though they can't see, they can still be happy. Because they know better than any person with sight that looks mean nothing. What we see is just a stimulation of our brains. Without our sight, we'd have no perception of 'beauty'. I sometimes envy the blind. 

What makes me feel better about my image is not my boyfriend or not anything. It was just me accepting me for who I am. I still bitch about my physical flaws but I know that it means nothing. The only way I'll be satisfied with the way I look is if I actually achieve that physical goal. But until then, I can at least be happy with the way I am. Maybe it's just because I have a strong personality to begin with, but I think everyone can overcome their insecurities and self image if they just stop focusing on everything vain and focus more on the things in life that make you happy. If you're not a happy person at all, then yeah, maybe losing a lot of weight will help you feel better. But generally speaking, if you have a lot to be thankful for, then vanity is really not that big of a deal. I like make-up because I think of it more like a hobby than a necessity. I spend a lot of money on expensive makeup that I rarely use. I am comfortable going out in public with absolutely no make-up on. Do I think I look horrific? Hell yeah I do. But the difference is that even though I acknowledge that I may look bad, I just don't care if anyone else thinks I look bad. And really I think that's the only way people can get over being afraid of their looks. If you want to be vain, be vain because it truly makes you feel better. Once it's all about YOU, then you can go out in this world and show people how fabulous you are.

I leave you guys with this attractive photo of myself.